The Path to Success – Nip/Tuck Style

Lately, Nip/Tuck has become obsessed with “training” me by having me attend meetings with her and having me observe how she works. Not only does this take up HOURS of my day, 99% of the meetings I’ve attended with her, have no point. I know we all think this of most meetings, but seriously these ones have absolutely NO point. Not a one.

Case in point, yesterday I was asked if I had time to attend a “brief” meeting that she had set up (note: almost all the meetings she has, she sets up). Who knew “brief” meant 2 hours and still going?! I go, not having been told what it’s for, who we’re meeting with, etc. There are four of us. We all sit down. Nip/Tuck opens her mouth first - now I know – it’s all over for us all. Just close your eyes and start weeping, because it is SO OVER. There is no end in sight once words start spewing out of this woman’s mouth. I spend most of my time staring at the clock on the wall in front of me. FIFTY-SIX minutes pass, and the lady we are meeting with has yet to say anything. I have YET to figure out the purpose of this meeting. Now what does Nip/Tuck go off about for almost an hour, you ask? Well, it’s the usual stories I already hear about 10 times a day via her phone calls:

• She hates our Big Boss, she refers to him at least 20 times throughout this meeting as an “idiot”, “scary”, “stupid”, and “uncreative”
• Her infamous Marketing 101 class she took 35 years ago. Apparently our Marketing Director is sooo stupid that everytime she talks to him it’s like giving him a “Marketing 101 Class with Nip/Tuck”
• She works late everyday (she makes it sound like it’s because she’s so bogged down with work, but really it’s a personal choice, because I KNOW she doesn’t have that much to do), and is the ONLY person out of all 10,000+ employees at our company that care about the company
• She always has brilliant ideas that get shot down by “idiot” boss.
• She’s so glad “they GAVE her Sarah to help her out” (NOTE: my job is NOT to help her out, it actually has very little to do with her, she just likes to tell people this to make herself sound important)
• “Without me, this company would be in the tubes”
• How often she’s thought of quitting (at which point she turns to me and say “you didn’t hear that. Technically I’m your boss, I’ll fire you”. Fake laugh from her. Evil glare from me.) P.S. She couldn’t fire me if she wanted to – she doesn’t have the authority.

Finally, the lady interrupts with an agenda she’s created – how nice! How efficient! Too bad it took almost an hour to get there. But with constant tangents from Nip/Tuck about her idiot boss, the meetings stretches another hour. At this point, I’m ready to shoot myself in the head. Then I realize that all of these things this lady wants to talk about, she has to talk to with the “Idiot” boss – because it’s all related to advertising – and we are NOT in the adverstising/marketing department! WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE! Basically Nip/Tuck wanted to vent about her boss, and give these poor poor people “tips” on how to deal with “idiot” Boss. At the end of her spiel she goes, “And thank you all for taking Marketing 101 with me today” How condescending! So everyone starts putting their stuff away, saying goodbyes and moves chairs back to stand up. Oh wait, but Nip/Tuck has one last thing to say! This happens FOUR TIMES. Four times we push our chairs back, butts half expectantly out of our seats. Four times Nip/Tuck opens her mouth and goes on and on. Four times we all dejectedly sit our butt back down in our seats. Thirty more minutes fly by. Woe is me, woe is me.

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Nip/Tuck’s Guaranteed Path to Success:

1. Talk as much sh*t about your boss and company to potential clients/partners as possible – this just makes you look that much smarter.
2. Talk about how great you are and how you are the ONLY competent person at previously mentioned company – if you don’t toot your own horn, who will?!
3. Talk down to everyone like they are 5 years old – people like this, it gives them a sense of comfort that they lost as a child.
4. Don’t let other parties in the meeting talk for the first hour – this shows you are weak! Show your dominance!
5. And the secret trick only for TRUE professionals: Constantly bring up a class you took almost 4 decades ago, and act as if it is very relevant to the here and now. This will make their heads spin with your brilliance! I mean who ELSE remembers details from a class you took 40 years ago? That shows great skill!

Follow these 4 easy steps, and you’re on your way to great joy and success!